11 Things You Don’t Know About Dwight D. Eisenhower

#1.  Ike’s bubble gum sculptures won a blue ribbon at the Bazooka 1932 Gum Art Open.

 

#2.  Ike spent late nights in the White House kitchen perfecting his special pear cobbler.

 

#3.  Eisenhower’s favorite hobbit was Pippin.

 

#4.  Ike was voted Most Popular Salsa Teacher 3 years in a row at Lupe’s Miami Dance Center.

 

#5.  Contrary to popular belief, Eisenhower never performed live with Tina Turner.

 

#6.  Eisenhower probably had lots of inappropriate dreams about Eleanor Roosevelt. 

 

#7.  Ike never worked the sour cream station at Chipotle Mexican Grill. 

 

#8.  Eisenhower & Howe would’ve made a great name for a vaudeville comedy team. 

 

#9.  Eisenhower never appeared in a skit on Saturday Night Live  

 

#10.  Eisenhower never had his own celebrity fragrance. 

 

#11.  Eisenhower was never considered for the part of Fred on ‘I Love Lucy’.

 

Eisenhower also never purchased Space Command and the Planets of Doom: http://amzn.to/atEZo9

10 Quotes Often Mistakenly Attributed to Benjamin Frankin

A fool and his money are frequently parted on e-mail solicitation lists generated by Zynga.

 

There never was a good war or a bad peace, but there is a good English translation of War and Peace.

 

Waste not, because that empty Coke bottle is good for ten cents at the recycling center, fool.

 

We must all hang together, for assuredly, we’ll all get lost like frickin’ hobbits in the mines of Moria if we hang separately.

 

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes and diurnal revolution and rabbits having sex and another Stones tour.

 

Leave it to the flow we gettin’ dough like a bakery,I don’t really want to but these niggas makin’ me.

 

Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety are just the kind of clients a good insurance salesman goes after like a famished hawk.

 

Remember that time is money, especially when you’re parking in downtown San Francisco.

 

A great Empire, like a great cake, should not be eaten at one sitting.

 

A penny saved is a sign you still got 119 more pennies before you can hit up Redbox, suckah!

 

 

For more absurdity check out Space Command and the Planets of Doom: http://amzn.to/atEZo9

Behind The Tweet #3 : West Side, Gory

Behind The Tweet #3

 

This edition of Behind the Tweet takes you behind the scenes of my recent tweet:

Idea for a story #21 An avant-garde director stages West Side Story with rival zombie gangs, but Maria is attacked by a real flesh-eater.

Who hasn’t wanted to revive their favorite Broadway musical as a jazzed-up zombie gore-fest?  Now that zombies have been the rage for a while, musical theater is way behind the curve. 

 

This tweet was inspired by my work in sketching out West Side, Gory, my gut-ripping update on the beloved, but sadly monsterless, classic.

 

In my re-visioning of the all-too human original, the Debts, a gang of foreclosed-on, recession-pounded, homeless cast-offs, square off against the Shards, a shambling bunch of tenement-dwelling, drool-slinging, Devil-may-care zombies. 

 

The Debts try keeping up their spirits amid a mob of dead goons, dancing a manic number while knowing that one drop of contaminated zombie saliva will seal their fate. (‘Drool, drool, keep off the drool, boys’).  

 

When headstrong Tony ignores all the Debts taboos and falls for one of the living dead (‘I just met a corpse named Maria’), the zombie girls get excited that one of their own has finally met a living guy.  Maria excitedly dresses for her big date (‘I Feel Living…’) while her mangled, decayed friends imagine their new potential lives dating humans.  (‘Even dead girls get guys in America’.)

 

Tony takes a lot of flack when the Debts meet his new squeeze and they warn him severely. (‘Tonight, tonight.  There won’t be cross-breeding tonight’).  Tony runs off to join his true love and tries to find a new peace between men and zombies.  (‘There’s a crypt for us…’).  But matters descend to an all-out blood-spraying, body-part-slicing, munch-a-thon and Maria is left to lament her lost human love, although she’s fortunately able to salvage some of his body parts as keepsakes. (‘One Hand, One Heart’).

 

Production details are still in the works, pending financing.

 

To see this tweet and more in its natural environment, follow me @brianhenry63

Behind the Tweet #2

Ever since the first installment in my groundbreaking series Behind the Tweet, numerous followers have probably considered asking for a sequel.  And if it wouldn’t be a good idea to do a sequel, why did I call the first post Behind the Tweet #1?

 

So, in response to possible demand, I present another peek behind the curtain into the process behind some of my most amazing tweets.  This time, we’ll look at the following tweet:

 

Idea for story #15  Mocked as a child, Papaya Boy grows up to save America from a mutant coconut invasion.

 

The first hints of this tweet came into being with the simple image of Papaya Boy.  There are plenty of superheroes out there named after animals, insects and even pieces of camping equipment.  (Green Lantern!)  But what about superheroes inspired by fruit?

 

The young Papaya Boy would be one of those oddities in the schoolyard, playing by himself with his fruit action figures, carving heroic sculptures from unripe bananas and plotting his early efforts to defeat the malignant coconut mutants.

 

But after a fateful adolescent trip to Indonesia, where Papaya Boy is mentored in harnessing and channeling his Papaya powers by Tiki-Bono, the wizened Fruit Sage, and handily defeats the Palm Frond People, he returns to his hometown and shows the bullies just what shortsighted troglodytes they really were.

 

You can imagine his future adventures could bring him into repeated conflict with some of the great fruit villains in the universe.

 

So that is another astonishing peek behind the scenes at another amazing tweet.  To see this tweet and others of the same ilk follow me @brianhenry63

Behind the Tweet! #1

This blog post is the first is an amazing, groundbreaking series taking you behind the scenes to what goes on in the production of some of my favorite tweets.  After a great deal of consideration, I’ve decided to call the series ‘Behind the Tweet’!

 

The first tweet to be distinguished in this manner is my recent tweet of January 24:

 

Idea for story #10: Truman Capote Jr. gets a lifeguard job in Palm Beach where he saves three orphaned alligators from a hurricane.

 

As you’ll notice, this tweet in itself is part of a series.  Who doesn’t love series?  You, the innocent blog reader, are probably already waiting for ‘Idea for a story #11’!

 

This post came to me when I had the hilarious idea, ‘What if Truman Capote had an illegitimate bastard son who looked just like him – and could maybe be played by Mike Meyers in the movie version with a bald cap like Dr. Evil?’ 

 

The next step in the tweet production process was to imagine Truman Capote Jr. in an unusual situation fraught with dramatic potential.  So after a quick bout of research to insure that Palm Beach was located near the ocean, I came up with the idea of making TCJ a lifeguard.  

 

The final touch was the heart-wrenching addition of the cute, lovable alligators, who will probably be animated characters in the movie version.

 

I can already imagine future adventures for Truman Capote Jr., such as a visit to a biker bar and a stint in the Marines.  But that’s why they call it a series!

 

See this tweet in its natural environment: @brianhenry63

Concubine Battle Produces a Winner!

One thing about Wattpad users is they don’t hesitate to let you know where they stand.  In the contest of two concubine covers that duked it out on the Wattpad Facebook page for my latest sci-fi comedy novel, one user indicated “they both suck”.  Also, who can forget the stirring words of Dacry Combs who wondered “What were those people thinking when they made those covers?”.  At least a couple dozen people liked one or the other of the covers enough to vote for them.  In fact, it was a narrow race, even more so than the Iowa caucus.  But due to the people’s choice, I changed to a new illustration-style cover.  Did they make the right decision?  Only you can decide.  Fortunately, I didn’t create either cover, I just wrote the story inside.  Check it out: http://bit.ly/xDXsTT

Concubine Battle!

Vote for your favorite cover for my Space Command & The Bejewelled Concubines on Wattpad’s Cover-Off!  It’s a tale of two concubines, going gown to gown for the title! http://on.fb.me/z9cowk

The Great Wattpad Cover-Off!

If you guys haven’t discovered Wattpad, I recommend it as a fun place to post your stories and get unfiltered feedback.  For the past week I’ve been a featured author with my new wacky science fiction novel Space Command and the Planet of the Bejewelled Concubines. 

(Check out my Wattpad profile here: http://www.wattpad.com/user/abstractplane.)

Tomorrow, January 26, Wattpad will feature a Cover-Off for the novel on their Insider blog.  Stop by and vote for your favorite, from two very different covers – both featuring the aforementioned concubines.  Let me know what you think of the covers and this novel, that Wattpad users are comparing to Douglas Adams and Kurt Vonnegut. 

A Space Command Moment

“I’m not talking about that kind of spasm.  I’m talking about the kind of spasm where your throat constricts to the width of a juice straw, where your body is instantly covered in the slick and morbid sweat of a quaking dog, where your legs contort into painful, unnatural curving positions beyond your control and where a thick gauze of turbulent gray, cosmiscally atmospheric intensity clogs your hearing.”   http://bit.ly/xDXsTT

The League of Surrealist Voters Republican Presidential Debate

WOLF BLITZER: WELCOME to our debate on issues of interest to the Surrealist community. Candidates, I want to remind you that ALL of your responses must be in the form of an absurdist non sequitur.

RON PAUL: Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered.

WOLF: The first question goes to Michelle Bachman. Representative Bachman, when Canada’s on fire, does the United States glow?

MICHELLE BACHMAN: Wolf, caribou can snooze. The American people know that costly rash redness no longer works in a patriotic economy. We have to go back to the grubs and dig.

RON PAUL (snickering): In Switzerland!

WOLF: You may have a chance to respond later, Representative Paul. Newt Gingrich, how can Americans trust a man when he won’t wrestle a woman?

NEWT GINGRICH: I’m pledging right now to sign the 20 point Oath with America. Point number 22, history is going to crawl up your leg like a giant bedbug and infest you with the paralysis of incumbency.

MITT ROMNEY: Can I respond to that?

WOLF: Let me answer by giving the sign of the Secret Snickers. (Wolf gives the sign). Governor Perry, the next question is for Ron Paul. Representative Paul, if required to choose between Libya and Chad, where would you have an appendectomy?

RON PAUL (guffawing): That’s just not true, Wolf! I’ve eaten lemon yogurt in fourteen states, and they don’t need pasteurization. Cheese is the new lettuce. Read my book!

NEWT GINGRICH: I’m the only candidate on this platform who’s made a video of my Wheelbarrow Dance.

WOLF: And we put it up as an iReport on CNN.com. Check it out NOW. Governor Perry, is it true that you’ve made Texas a twinkling beacon of beatitude?

RICK PERRY: We’re hunkering in the bunker, like a spelunker from Kentuckah. The people of Texas are hardly people anymore when we’ve got this Obama trauma, oh mama.

WOLF: Governor Perry, I have to remind you that your answer must be in the form of a non sequitur. Excuse me, we need to interrupt the debate for this BREAKING Surrealism. Go ahead, Candy Crowley.

CANDY: Wolf, the horse with the spoon has made a surprising admission on bimbo lawsuits.

WOLF: Thank you, Candy. Governor Romney, in Massachusetts can a doggie death panel survive a run-in with voters?

MITT ROMNEY: Doggy care can’t put a muzzle on my Cleveland love, Wolf, and I’m talking about the President, not the city, which is something I relate to a snowball.

WOLF: We’ll have all the candidates make a concluding statement now in the form of a comment from Herman Cain.

HERMAN CAIN: Pump it up like you mean it, until the big tent of the forefathers has a pillar shooting right up to the rafters. I’m running Piers Morgan out of town naked in a bathtub.

WOLF: That concludes our Surrealist debate. Representative Santorum, you can come out of the pink bubble now.

If you thought this was absurd, check out Space Command and the Planets of Doom: http://amzn.to/atEZo9