February 20, 2009

 

Hey, how are y’all doing out there?  I hope you’re doing just great.  And I am so excited to be here today, in front of this beautiful building and everything, that our founders started, and have the privilege to be the first woman President of the great country of the U.S. of A. that love so much.

But before we talk about me and all my plans for this amazing country and its TV and magazines, what about that great president, John McCain?  In the last 30 days, John did more than a lot of presidents do in eight years!  He got ‘er done.  Just look at the three exciting new wars John got started, invading evil countries that are out there, over the shores, out where people live, doing bad things to Americans and other people.  I mean, North Korea.  Pakistan.  Spain.  These are countries that we can’t trust.  And John didn’t!  He rallied the military.  He rolled out the mega-surge, Surge II, in Iraq!  And if one surge works, what’s better than another one?  Some said it couldn’t be done, but with gumption and leadership and signing up all convicted felons for military service, John put our country on a warpath we haven’t seen in years.

            And what about that drilling?  We drilled in Texas, Maine, the Alaska wildlife refuge, at Mount Rushmore and even in Area 51.  No one could hide oil from John McCain!  We’re drilling our way out of this ten-dollar a gallon gas, and we won’t stop there.  We’re adding more nuclear plants in Nevada, Amerca’s new nuclear headquarters!  There’s plenty of room. 

            I bet a lot of you are stunned by recent events.  I know that I am.  Excuse me.  Let me just take out this gum.  (Pause).  I told John he shoulda been more careful.  Showing strong leadership by parachuting into Pakistan . . . well that’s just going a little too far in my book.  But the soldiers loved it.  They cheered him on, even helped him jump out of the plane, bless their hearts.  But, Pakistan is an evil land filled with people in foreign robes bent ..ling parts of the world we know nothing about it.  You can’t let that happen.  You can all be proud your President took the lead on such a serious issue, even if it didn’t turn out all that great.

            And speaking about serious issues, a lot of you are asking, what will that Sarah Palin do about the housing crisis, now that she’s President?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  First of all, homes are important to everyone.  I want you to know that, like many of you, I also have a home.  It’s got some sofas I picked out very carefully and needlework and even a toaster oven.  And I don’t want some upstart financial officer telling me to leave my home just because I can’t pay the mortgage.  So I’m sending out coupons to everyone, for 20 percent off your mortgage next month.  And if you make two payments, we’ll throw in some extra sponges for free. So do that, and everybody is gonna be better off.  Send it right on in.

            Now one thing about a Palin administration, you know what you’re getting.  And one thing I can tell you no strangers are gonna come in here and tell us how to run things.  That’s why I’m nominating Todd, my darling husband, for the Supreme Court now that Justice Kennedy is stepping down.  Todd is gonna make a great Supreme Court justice.  Not only is he a down-to-earth dude, as the great people of Alaska will tell you, but he doesn’t stand for any of that legalistic nonsense that the court hands down left and right.  The American people have just about had enough of that.

            In closing, I want to put out the word right now and stop all that Internet chatter.  The rumors are true!  Not only does America have its first woman President, but I’m also the first pregnant President!  Yes, Todd and I are expecting another bundle of Palin Pride, that was conceived right around the time of the VP debate.  That was some celebration.  Now for those critics and Democrats out there who say, how can a person be pregnant and be a leader at the same time, I say, what about Queen Elizabeth or Joan of Arc? 

            Now I better stop, cause I can’t think of any more remarks.  But I ask for your prayers, even you people of faiths I don’t want anything to do with.  And finally, I do want you to give a big hand to my new nominee for Vice-President to be my replacement.  Let’s hear it for George W. Bush!

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