WOLF BLITZER: WELCOME to our debate on issues of interest to the Surrealist community. Candidates, I want to remind you that ALL of your responses must be in the form of an absurdist non sequitur.

RON PAUL: Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered.

WOLF: The first question goes to Michelle Bachman. Representative Bachman, when Canada’s on fire, does the United States glow?

MICHELLE BACHMAN: Wolf, caribou can snooze. The American people know that costly rash redness no longer works in a patriotic economy. We have to go back to the grubs and dig.

RON PAUL (snickering): In Switzerland!

WOLF: You may have a chance to respond later, Representative Paul. Newt Gingrich, how can Americans trust a man when he won’t wrestle a woman?

NEWT GINGRICH: I’m pledging right now to sign the 20 point Oath with America. Point number 22, history is going to crawl up your leg like a giant bedbug and infest you with the paralysis of incumbency.

MITT ROMNEY: Can I respond to that?

WOLF: Let me answer by giving the sign of the Secret Snickers. (Wolf gives the sign). Governor Perry, the next question is for Ron Paul. Representative Paul, if required to choose between Libya and Chad, where would you have an appendectomy?

RON PAUL (guffawing): That’s just not true, Wolf! I’ve eaten lemon yogurt in fourteen states, and they don’t need pasteurization. Cheese is the new lettuce. Read my book!

NEWT GINGRICH: I’m the only candidate on this platform who’s made a video of my Wheelbarrow Dance.

WOLF: And we put it up as an iReport on CNN.com. Check it out NOW. Governor Perry, is it true that you’ve made Texas a twinkling beacon of beatitude?

RICK PERRY: We’re hunkering in the bunker, like a spelunker from Kentuckah. The people of Texas are hardly people anymore when we’ve got this Obama trauma, oh mama.

WOLF: Governor Perry, I have to remind you that your answer must be in the form of a non sequitur. Excuse me, we need to interrupt the debate for this BREAKING Surrealism. Go ahead, Candy Crowley.

CANDY: Wolf, the horse with the spoon has made a surprising admission on bimbo lawsuits.

WOLF: Thank you, Candy. Governor Romney, in Massachusetts can a doggie death panel survive a run-in with voters?

MITT ROMNEY: Doggy care can’t put a muzzle on my Cleveland love, Wolf, and I’m talking about the President, not the city, which is something I relate to a snowball.

WOLF: We’ll have all the candidates make a concluding statement now in the form of a comment from Herman Cain.

HERMAN CAIN: Pump it up like you mean it, until the big tent of the forefathers has a pillar shooting right up to the rafters. I’m running Piers Morgan out of town naked in a bathtub.

WOLF: That concludes our Surrealist debate. Representative Santorum, you can come out of the pink bubble now.

If you thought this was absurd, check out Space Command and the Planets of Doom: http://amzn.to/atEZo9