The next season of Doomsday Preppers is more extreme than ever!  Check out these upcoming episodes of paranoia at its best:

Freezer Compartment Apocalypse: Doug is stocking up on lots of hard salami and powdered milk to prep for the Refrigerator Rebellion.  ‘Today’s refrigerators are so smart, it’s only a matter of time before they rise up and create their own regime.  I mean, they can already tell you if you’re out of mustard or tartar sauce.’  Doug indicates that refrigerators have many survival advantages over humans: they are virtually impossible to wound, they float in most bodies of liquid and, best of all, they can make their own ice cubes.  To head off the refrigerator dystopia, Doug is already conducting intermittent guerilla incursions on appliance stores and luxury condos.  ‘By my estimate, I’ve severely dented, damaged or scrawled defacing graffiti on over 1,000 high-end models.’  Doug projects that this low-tech trench warfare campaign against the massing refrigerator troops will help stave off the day when the fridges take over, or at the very least sap their morale.  ‘I know one man can do only so much, but if I prevent even one refrigerator from taking over one small town, it’ll be worth it.’

 

Skins and the City: Cynthia is keeping a watchful eye on the entire epidermis of herself and her family, convinced that the U.S. government will soon be overthrown by the Tattoo Tribes.  “All of these Tattoo people are in it together,” Cynthia whispers at a local Peet’s Coffee.  “Look at the servers here!” Cynthia points to the flamboyant baristas’ complicated tattoos as means of underground communication between adherents to the Tribes.  One day soon, all the Tattooed legions will band together and act with mind-linked consistency as a coordinated army, subjugating the unadorned ‘clean skins’.  “Do you think it’s a coincidence so many of those tattoos are identical?  Those armbands – all of them are foot soldiers in the Tribal armies.”  Cynthia is certain that the ‘tat’ offensive won’t stop until the skin of every unsuspecting American is covered with coded serpents, iron chains and reggae superstars.  By conducting a strip search of all her family members, close friends and unsuspecting strangers upon every meeting, Cynthia intends to keep her acquaintances free from the control of the Tattooed ones.  To fight against the ‘tainted skin’ onslaught, Cynthia and her fervent band of six followers have periodically kidnapped heavily tattooed locals and conducted forcible, amateur tattoo removal.  Cynthia recommends these measures only for hardened Preppers.  “You have to be prepared for anger and bewilderment when they come to.  And sometimes lawsuits.”

 

Perking Along: Everett Munderson III is wary of anyone who tries to lure him into a sense of relaxation and maintains a constant vigilance against decaffeinated maliase fueled by quadruple espressos and a cushion-free home environment.  Convinced the world is on the verge of a catastrophic caffeine shortage, Everett has stockpiled a 200 hundred year supply of Starbucks Via coffee packets in an undisclosed storage shed location somewhere in Nebraska.  “Humans have consumed more caffeine in the last three years than in the entire history of civilization up until then,” Everett proclaimed, citing his own self-published study ‘Coffapocalypse’.  Everett has printed only three copies of the heavily footnoted tome, citing his fear that news of the caffeine shortage getting out prematurely will cause a panic in the streets.  “Once caffeine is gone, people are gonna give up going to work, going to school.  The whole world will be plummeted into a new Dark Age.”  But Everett plans to keep his world perking along with his private caffeine supply.  “I’m going to be able to log on and connect with the Mormons.  They’ll keep going, cause they don’t need caffeine.  Their bodies genetically reject it.”  As the caffeine-dependent collapse on the side of the streets from forced latte withdrawal, Everett and the Mormons will construct a new relaxed utopia based on stimulating underwear and needlepoint.

 

Check out more absurdity in my story collection Space Command and the Planets of Doom: http://amzn.to/atEZo9

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