• Won’t fetch ‘liberal, godless, decadent Western’ newspapers like the New York Times.
  • Turns up his nose at Beggin’ Strips.
  • Stops watching The Dog Whisperer because of the nudity.
  • Constantly cites fundamentalist quotes from Rin Tin Tin.
  • Barks at random members of the Egyptian military.
  • Leaves the quaint, friendly canine church down the block to join a sect with a fiery Doberman preacher.
  • Wears a ragged pillowcase to conceal facial features when in public.
  • Won’t let a bitch attend school.
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