Category: parody


A dimly lit Taco Bell.

 

KETTLEBAUM

You seen any suspicious tacos ‘round here?

LISETTE
We don’t serve no other kind.

KETTLEBAUM
(flashes photo)

I’m looking for a special loser.

LISETTE
(gasps)

Felipe! I ain’t seen that taco since the Quincy riots. Tell me he’s okay!

KETTLEBAUM

None of us is okay, lady. None of us.

CURTAIN

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margarita who She was the woman who drank margaritas. Whether it was mid-morning or early afternoon or that dreary, gray hour sometime just before dinnertime in late September, she could be found with a frosty margarita in hand.

She didn’t let anyone get to her when it came to the recurrent margarita commentary. The sardonic comments from those who would appoint themselves the margarita police. The risk of margarita-shaming was just part of the hand you were dealt when you were the woman who drank margaritas.

Continued: https://proof.media/the-woman-who-drank-margaritas

The Dornstadt home. A storm rages outside.

HELGA

You have brought the chicken cupcakes?

 

HORST

Why would I bring cupcakes to a chicken?

 

HELGA

No, the chicken-flavored cupcakes, numb brain.

 

HORST

Oh, they were sold out.

 

HELGA
Always. Always they are sold out.

 

CURTAIN

Therese throws down a large steak knife.

 

THERESE

(tearful)

Why do you stare at me so, Alphonse?

 

ALPHONSE

It’s just as my father always said.

 

THERESE

Machine wash warm?

 

ALPHONSE
Never love a pumpkin hater.

 

Alphonse takes his pumpkin away.

 

CURTAIN

Trude holds up the prize pumpkin.

TRUDE

How long was you planning to keep this pumpkin hid?

CLIFF

Until sich time as you’d treat it proper.

TRUDE
A real man don’t hide his pumpkins!

CLIFF

(awestruck)
That’s why I never saw daddy’s vegetation.
CURTAIN

Lisette plays with a cracked baby doll.

NANNY

(sternly)

I have bad news, Lisette.

 

LISETTE
Is it about my dead hamster?

NANNY

(tauntingly)

I will no longer ready you those Pippi Longstocking tales.

LISETTE
(stares out the window)

It is all coming true.

 

CURTAIN

And it came to pass that the Coffee God came to a strange foreign land and this land was known to those who dwelt there as the Hazelnut Valley. And in this land the people did walk and sing beneath strange trees, called the tree of the hazelnut. And the nut of this tree they did pick and verily place the nectar from this nut in the mugs of their coffee. And they mixed the nut nectar with the coffee and would quaff this beverage on a regular basis in great quantities and were very satisfied and pleased with themselves thereby, and they did have a great amount of pleased talk about this ‘hazelnut coffee.’

Continued: https://bit.ly/2MILMop

coffeebean-man.png

Throughout the novel, she clutches at her toothbrush.

Throughout the novel, she nearly boards the wrong train.

Throughout the novel, she has a knock-down, drag-out fight with an oversize bottle of Listerine.

Throughout the novel, she is attacked by socks with a mind of their own, controlled by a Russian pataphysician.

Throughout the novel, she is confronted by victims of her own offensiveness and has to deal with the remittable claims of a charity goods man.

Throughout the novel, she refuses to make her macaroni-and-cheesecake confection despite being urged on by remarkable men.

Throughout the novel, she becomes a balloon of defeat, hesitating over whether the mountebank will injure himself.

Throughout the novel, she has a jellybean fixation which is only cured by her tussle with an undercooked filet.

Throughout the novel, she swims with a talking otter in a permutated parody of one of Tolstoy’s less successful carnival games.

Throughout the novel, she confidently takes a swinging barroom door and transforms it into a fun-loving winter sled complete with steel runners.

Throughout the novel, she develops a poison of remarkable solidity that can elucidate the jungle content of any oceanic solution.

Throughout the novel, she brandished a water bracelet sluiced with miniature guppies.

Throughout the novel, she wrote a puzzling work with doorknobs located at its center.

Throughout the novel, she juggled simulacra of lettuce with a fervent agility.

Throughout the novel, she sold overpriced red cars.

Throughout the novel, she made a call to Iowa.

Throughout the novel, she sadly lacked chips.

The director sat at the head of the long table wearing a large smile and a dark green shirt that complemented his deep tan. “The casting job was amazing, Percy.” He spoke in a low tone to the screenwriter, seated at his right side and looking unrested in a ragged pullover shirt and three days of beard stubble. “You won’t believe it. Felice found the perfect actor for every part. She went like three extra miles to be mega-diverse, with a capital m-d.”

Percy Luttington gulped at his iced espresso, which was now mostly ice and less espresso, nodding nervously at the table of actors. “Felice is very real. She’s always on it. The thing for me, Rule, is it’s all about the story. Whoever can tell the truth of this story, that’s who we need.”

Continued: http://bit.ly/2KeKM5i

A dimly lit Taco Bell.

LEN

Do you have any tacos for vegans?

CLERK

We don’t serve no space creatures.

LEN I’m from this planet.

CLERK Then don’t feed them alien overlords!

CURTAIN