Category: play


A dimly lit Taco Bell.

GERALD

What kind of Christmas tacos do you have?

 

CLERK

Christmas what?

 

GERALD

You know, pine tree pollo, eggnog asada? What flavors?

 

CLERK
I’m gonna barf.

(runs off)

 

GERALD
Bastards! I know a war on Christmas when I see one!

 

CURTAIN

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A dimly lit Taco Bell.

ALEX
Wrapped in a thick flour shell it includes ground beef and sour cream.

 

CLERK

What’s your order?

 

ALEX

Yes, in the form of a question.

 

CLERK
Are you okay, homes?

 

ALEX

Time’s up. We were looking for ‘What is a chalupa?’

 

CLERK
I’m getting security.

A dimly lit Taco Bell.

 

KETTLEBAUM

You seen any suspicious tacos ‘round here?

LISETTE
We don’t serve no other kind.

KETTLEBAUM
(flashes photo)

I’m looking for a special loser.

LISETTE
(gasps)

Felipe! I ain’t seen that taco since the Quincy riots. Tell me he’s okay!

KETTLEBAUM

None of us is okay, lady. None of us.

CURTAIN

The Dornstadt home. A storm rages outside.

HELGA

You have brought the chicken cupcakes?

 

HORST

Why would I bring cupcakes to a chicken?

 

HELGA

No, the chicken-flavored cupcakes, numb brain.

 

HORST

Oh, they were sold out.

 

HELGA
Always. Always they are sold out.

 

CURTAIN

Therese throws down a large steak knife.

 

THERESE

(tearful)

Why do you stare at me so, Alphonse?

 

ALPHONSE

It’s just as my father always said.

 

THERESE

Machine wash warm?

 

ALPHONSE
Never love a pumpkin hater.

 

Alphonse takes his pumpkin away.

 

CURTAIN

Trude holds up the prize pumpkin.

TRUDE

How long was you planning to keep this pumpkin hid?

CLIFF

Until sich time as you’d treat it proper.

TRUDE
A real man don’t hide his pumpkins!

CLIFF

(awestruck)
That’s why I never saw daddy’s vegetation.
CURTAIN

Lisette plays with a cracked baby doll.

NANNY

(sternly)

I have bad news, Lisette.

 

LISETTE
Is it about my dead hamster?

NANNY

(tauntingly)

I will no longer ready you those Pippi Longstocking tales.

LISETTE
(stares out the window)

It is all coming true.

 

CURTAIN

A dimly lit Taco Bell.

LEN

Do you have any tacos for vegans?

CLERK

We don’t serve no space creatures.

LEN I’m from this planet.

CLERK Then don’t feed them alien overlords!

CURTAIN

 

 

A dimly lit Taco Bell.

ICE OFFICER
We’ve had reports of an undocumented chalupa biting cattle. I heard you serve those here.

CLERK
Don’t you mean a chupacabra?

ICE OFFICER
Do you serve those, too?

CLERK
Only if they can pay for their order.

CURTAIN