Category: politics


Bringing you another eye-popping edition of Behind the Tweet, this installment looks behind the scenes at the crafting of my recent mind-spinning tweet:

Idea for a story #32: The Dancing Eisenhowers go undercover to break up a Swiss wig smuggling ring.

This concept has so many potential directions, it’s amazing it hasn’t been done before.  It’s a natural story to appeal to all the four main fiction reading quadrants: lovers of mystery, dancing, presidents and wacky schemes.  The tale would even lend itself to instant musical adaptation.

Imagine The Dancing Eisenhowers themselves as a four man crew (although a female Eisenhower could open up lots of interesting possibilities for gender-assumption interrogations).  There’s Jed, a veteran, seasoned Dancing Eisenhower, who’s danced through it all, relived the highlights of both administrations, and done the pas de deux with Nixon until he’s sore in the phalanges.  Then there’s Milt, the flashy, show biz Eisenhower – a standout glamour boy who shamelessly uses his status as a marquee-topping DE to score with the babes.  Then there’s Murl, the fish-out-of-water country boy, always having to disguise his dyed-in-the-cotton yokel vocal tones when the DEs do another round of New York City PR interviews.  And finally, there’s Tug, the young up-and-comer, barely old enough to pass for an Eisenhower, his head newly shaven and his attitude full of spit and polish and vim and vigor, but primed for a speedy disillusioning when the hard, footsore reality of long-term Eisenhower dancing sets in.

Just as this ill-assorted crew is coping with the latest strenuous demands placed on them by skinflint manager Barnes “Barney Boy” Q. Barnes, they’re drawn into the crazy machinations of The Hair Pin, a Geneva-based megalomaniac determined to get a corner on the world wig market.  To get the boys under his thumb, The Hair Pin kidnaps the Dancing Eisenhower’s occasional female guest dancer, America’s ‘first girl of tap dance’, Buttercup ‘Mamie’ Melchers.  Holding her hostage in a secure Swiss bank vault, the Hair Pin threatens to permanently wax Mamie’s scalp unless the boys do his nefarious bidding and use their all-too convenient baldness as a means of smuggling rare wigs out of the mansion of his archenemy, legendary hairpiece collector Baron Tonscha von Hansard.

After plenty of machinations, gyrations and bare-knuckle, bare-headed thrills, things wind up with an all-singing, all-dancing, all-Ikeing finale, as the boys reveal The Hair Pin as a crypto-fascist follicle fetishist and he’s hauled off to serve time in a Swiss cuckoo house.  Then it’s back on stage for a joyous chorus of ‘Eisenhower and How!’ before the curtain falls.

At least, that’s one variation of how this tweet could play out.  But then, there’s more than one way to dance an Eisenhower.

 

For more absurdity check out my short story collection ‘Space Command and the Planets of Doom’: http://amzn.to/atEZo9

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One of the major issues will be the worrisome U.S. – China tweet imbalance.

Controversy erupts over candidate who runs on a Civil War denial platform.

A major U.S. party runs the first openly stupid presidential candidate.

Romney drops out when it’s leaked his first name is short for knitting circle alias Mittenmachine.

At the League of Homeless Voters debate, Ron Paul retrieves a stolen can of beans from a vagrant.

Voters baffled when third debate of the primary season is replaced by a séance.

The Mayan god Xiuhtecuhtli will win the New Mexico Primary, surprising all the pundits.

Teenage reaction to the campaign inspires the new hit Broadway musical ‘Romneymania!’

Candidate performances at major speeches will be judged by Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell.

Leaked documents show Leonardo DiCaprio was hired to implant idea in front runner’s dreams to drop out.

Larry King comes out of retirement to run on the Know Nothing Has Beens ticket.

Two words – Guacamole fight!

If you appreciated these informative predictions, check out my science fiction parody Space Command and the Planets of Doom: http://amzn.to/atEZo9

Sarah Palin’s Inaugural Address

February 20, 2009

 

Hey, how are y’all doing out there?  I hope you’re doing just great.  And I am so excited to be here today, in front of this beautiful building and everything, that our founders started, and have the privilege to be the first woman President of the great country of the U.S. of A. that love so much.

But before we talk about me and all my plans for this amazing country and its TV and magazines, what about that great president, John McCain?  In the last 30 days, John did more than a lot of presidents do in eight years!  He got ‘er done.  Just look at the three exciting new wars John got started, invading evil countries that are out there, over the shores, out where people live, doing bad things to Americans and other people.  I mean, North Korea.  Pakistan.  Spain.  These are countries that we can’t trust.  And John didn’t!  He rallied the military.  He rolled out the mega-surge, Surge II, in Iraq!  And if one surge works, what’s better than another one?  Some said it couldn’t be done, but with gumption and leadership and signing up all convicted felons for military service, John put our country on a warpath we haven’t seen in years.

            And what about that drilling?  We drilled in Texas, Maine, the Alaska wildlife refuge, at Mount Rushmore and even in Area 51.  No one could hide oil from John McCain!  We’re drilling our way out of this ten-dollar a gallon gas, and we won’t stop there.  We’re adding more nuclear plants in Nevada, Amerca’s new nuclear headquarters!  There’s plenty of room. 

            I bet a lot of you are stunned by recent events.  I know that I am.  Excuse me.  Let me just take out this gum.  (Pause).  I told John he shoulda been more careful.  Showing strong leadership by parachuting into Pakistan . . . well that’s just going a little too far in my book.  But the soldiers loved it.  They cheered him on, even helped him jump out of the plane, bless their hearts.  But, Pakistan is an evil land filled with people in foreign robes bent ..ling parts of the world we know nothing about it.  You can’t let that happen.  You can all be proud your President took the lead on such a serious issue, even if it didn’t turn out all that great.

            And speaking about serious issues, a lot of you are asking, what will that Sarah Palin do about the housing crisis, now that she’s President?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  First of all, homes are important to everyone.  I want you to know that, like many of you, I also have a home.  It’s got some sofas I picked out very carefully and needlework and even a toaster oven.  And I don’t want some upstart financial officer telling me to leave my home just because I can’t pay the mortgage.  So I’m sending out coupons to everyone, for 20 percent off your mortgage next month.  And if you make two payments, we’ll throw in some extra sponges for free. So do that, and everybody is gonna be better off.  Send it right on in.

            Now one thing about a Palin administration, you know what you’re getting.  And one thing I can tell you no strangers are gonna come in here and tell us how to run things.  That’s why I’m nominating Todd, my darling husband, for the Supreme Court now that Justice Kennedy is stepping down.  Todd is gonna make a great Supreme Court justice.  Not only is he a down-to-earth dude, as the great people of Alaska will tell you, but he doesn’t stand for any of that legalistic nonsense that the court hands down left and right.  The American people have just about had enough of that.

            In closing, I want to put out the word right now and stop all that Internet chatter.  The rumors are true!  Not only does America have its first woman President, but I’m also the first pregnant President!  Yes, Todd and I are expecting another bundle of Palin Pride, that was conceived right around the time of the VP debate.  That was some celebration.  Now for those critics and Democrats out there who say, how can a person be pregnant and be a leader at the same time, I say, what about Queen Elizabeth or Joan of Arc? 

            Now I better stop, cause I can’t think of any more remarks.  But I ask for your prayers, even you people of faiths I don’t want anything to do with.  And finally, I do want you to give a big hand to my new nominee for Vice-President to be my replacement.  Let’s hear it for George W. Bush!