Tag Archive: jokes


WOLF BLITZER: WELCOME to our debate on issues of interest to the Surrealist community. Candidates, I want to remind you that ALL of your responses must be in the form of an absurdist non sequitur.

RON PAUL: Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered.

WOLF: The first question goes to Michelle Bachman. Representative Bachman, when Canada’s on fire, does the United States glow?

MICHELLE BACHMAN: Wolf, caribou can snooze. The American people know that costly rash redness no longer works in a patriotic economy. We have to go back to the grubs and dig.

RON PAUL (snickering): In Switzerland!

WOLF: You may have a chance to respond later, Representative Paul. Newt Gingrich, how can Americans trust a man when he won’t wrestle a woman?

NEWT GINGRICH: I’m pledging right now to sign the 20 point Oath with America. Point number 22, history is going to crawl up your leg like a giant bedbug and infest you with the paralysis of incumbency.

MITT ROMNEY: Can I respond to that?

WOLF: Let me answer by giving the sign of the Secret Snickers. (Wolf gives the sign). Governor Perry, the next question is for Ron Paul. Representative Paul, if required to choose between Libya and Chad, where would you have an appendectomy?

RON PAUL (guffawing): That’s just not true, Wolf! I’ve eaten lemon yogurt in fourteen states, and they don’t need pasteurization. Cheese is the new lettuce. Read my book!

NEWT GINGRICH: I’m the only candidate on this platform who’s made a video of my Wheelbarrow Dance.

WOLF: And we put it up as an iReport on CNN.com. Check it out NOW. Governor Perry, is it true that you’ve made Texas a twinkling beacon of beatitude?

RICK PERRY: We’re hunkering in the bunker, like a spelunker from Kentuckah. The people of Texas are hardly people anymore when we’ve got this Obama trauma, oh mama.

WOLF: Governor Perry, I have to remind you that your answer must be in the form of a non sequitur. Excuse me, we need to interrupt the debate for this BREAKING Surrealism. Go ahead, Candy Crowley.

CANDY: Wolf, the horse with the spoon has made a surprising admission on bimbo lawsuits.

WOLF: Thank you, Candy. Governor Romney, in Massachusetts can a doggie death panel survive a run-in with voters?

MITT ROMNEY: Doggy care can’t put a muzzle on my Cleveland love, Wolf, and I’m talking about the President, not the city, which is something I relate to a snowball.

WOLF: We’ll have all the candidates make a concluding statement now in the form of a comment from Herman Cain.

HERMAN CAIN: Pump it up like you mean it, until the big tent of the forefathers has a pillar shooting right up to the rafters. I’m running Piers Morgan out of town naked in a bathtub.

WOLF: That concludes our Surrealist debate. Representative Santorum, you can come out of the pink bubble now.

If you thought this was absurd, check out Space Command and the Planets of Doom: http://amzn.to/atEZo9

#1 Keanu has never appeared in an all-female production of King Lear.

#2 Keanu has not developed any new varieties of papaya.

#3 Keanu was never married to Elizabeth Taylor.

#4 Keanu played the irate dispatcher Louie on the hit show Taxi….Wait, that was Danny DeVito.

#5 Keanu was not considered for the Supreme Court spot held by Sonia Sotomayor.

#6 Keanu is often confused with the elegant New York politician Keanu Delano Roosevelt.

#7 Keanu has never recorded his rendition of The Banana Boat Song.

#8 If he wanted, Keanu could make lots of money with a line of nut-based snacks, Keanuts.

#9 He is unlikely to be cast in the lead role of The Sonny Bono Story.

#10 Keanu would make a great name for any more moons discovered around Jupiter.

If you’re amazed by these facts, check out the equally astounding tales in Space Command and the Planets of Doom: http://amzn.to/atEZo9

Diary of a Netflix Worker

June 13 – Stuffed red envelopes with DVDs

June 14 – Stuffed red envelopes with DVDs

June 15 – Another busy day of stuffing red envelopes with DVDs. Mr. Rodriguez says that if I keep up the good work, he may promote me to the film removal tables soon.

June 16 – I was stuffing red envelopes with DVDs when I noticed an unusual occurrence. Hector Farley had just ordered Hot Tub Time Machine for the fourth separate time within three months. And he didn’t even report any damage with the previous discs. Who would order Hot Tub Time Machine four times? Surely, he can’t be planning to watch it for the fourth time? Hector Farley certainly bears some monitoring.

June 17 – Identified another unusual pattern. Hector Farley has Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay in his queue, despite the fact that he just watched it last week and has already rated it 5 stars and commented that it’s a ‘masterpiece’.

June 20 – Hector Farley has finally given himself away. Today he added a compilation of skits, The Daily Show Ridicules Michelle Bachman, to his queue for the third time. Only one thing ties together these three videos: they all star Rob Corddry. Clearly Hector Farley is obsessed with Rob Corddry. What could cause such a fascination with a perpetual supporting cast member?

June 21 – Last night I watched Hot Tub Time Machine again, this time taking careful notes. Looking closely at Rob Corddry’s performance, I detected nuances that had escaped me on my initial viewing. (Granted, during the first viewing, I was distracted by sampling the tasty new cinnamon-flavor Orville Redenbacher popcorn). His apparent devil-may-care characterization of Lou Dorchen is actually layered with shades of regretfulness and tinges of melancholy – one can see the dashed hopes of once-promising romances in the man’s thoughtful corneas. The other characters call him ‘Violator’ but clearly Lou has violated primarily his own hopes for a fulfilling destiny. This is a character who has lived with bitterness and come to know it well.

June 22 – Compelled to watch Hot Tub Time Machine once more. This time I grew impatient every time the film dwelled on John Cusack’s character. I couldn’t wait to return to more of Corddry’s performance as Lou, wrestling with the existential perplexities of his past, frustratingly unaware of the final ironic twist that awaited him at the film’s climax. Finally gave up on the endless scenes dawdling over Cusack’s love life and started streaming Rob Corddry’s home videos from YouTube. Lots of skits of rare, rough-hewn genius. Some excellent early work featuring Rob and really long hot dogs.

June 23 – Called in sick and made my own edit of Hot Tube Time Machine, eliminating all of the scenes focused on Cusack.

June 24 – Spent a lot of time last night on the Corddry discussion boards. There is still a lot of outrage in the community that Rob was passed over to star in Mr. Popper’s Penguins. A tragic missed opportunity. There’s an evident unfulfilled desire out there for ever more work from Corddry.

June 25 – I see a potential business model emerging here: Corddryflix. By taking all of Rob’s movies and YouTube clips and making them available in one convenient place, I can corner a niche -market. In addition, by selecting various underwhelming films and inserting footage of Rob Corddry, I can not only improve the quality of the movies, but serve the burgeoning community of Corddry fans who can’t get enough of their idol.

June 27 – Worked on my manifesto for Corddryflix. “As a Netflix employee, I’ve often been tempted to ponder the vagaries of stardom, the apparent whims of dame Fortuna: how do some celebrities with no apparent talent become huge box office draws, while other thespians with the gravitas and charisma of a Gielgud labor forever in the shadows, hoping for a measly guest shot on House? But with Rob Corddry, there is no mystery to his success. His craggy, shaven-headed machismo, his mellifluous, exquisitely-trained vocal delivery and the subtle gradations of his comedic personae, from violent, drug-fueled rube (Cedar Rapids) to reckless party-animal whirligig (Hot Tub Time Machine) are the work of a thoughtful, tireless observer of the human animal and his multifarious behavior patterns. This site is dedicated to those portrayals.”

June 28 – Notified Mr. Rodriguez I’m quitting to devote myself completely to my dream of running Corddryflix. He wished me ‘lotsa luck’ like a true gentleman. The future beckons. This could be the greatest envelope-stuffing adventure of my life.

– Check out Space Command: “Each slyly crafted tale is set on a world from far Earth, but the humor is quite terrestrial.” http://amzn.to/atEZo9

Have a 50-Chili Picnic with a chili for every state: Louisiana Crawfish Chili, Hawaiian Pineapple Chili…

Be green and save used fireworks to re-light next year. They’ll be less fiery but more efficient.

Make a patriotic Stars and Stripes snack using mayonnaise, ketchup and blueberry-flavored jellybeans.

Plan to dream of John Adams, George Washington and Betsy Ross performing Lady Gaga’s ‘Born This Way’.

Have a Supreme Court-themed dance party where everyone dresses up as their favorite justice. Think of the possibilities…

Use your Mitt Romney action figurines to create a stop-motion film of Mitt performing ‘Swanee River’.

Rent a copy of The Best of the Dancing Eisenhowers

Pageant of the Secretaries of the Interior

Hire a Queen Elizabeth II impersonator to sit in a dunking booth and toss baseballs at the target.

Bake sponge cake in the shape of Wyoming

Stage a musical version of the Clarence Thomas approval hearings featuring the song ‘Hair in My Coke’.

Celebrate the traditional British way, with a plate of fish and chips and a warm pint of Newcastle.

If you found these ideas inspiring, be sure to check out Space Command and the Planets of Doom: http://amzn.to/atEZo9

The Cincinnati Zoo in front of a parrot enclosure. Betrand, a rotund zookeeper with an ironic mustache, gives a desultory look in either direction. Heinz, a fellow zookeeper, stands nearby. He is short, with a crewcut and carries a zoo directory.

BERTRAND
Another day of casual hominid dominance at the ol’ zoological garden.

HEINZ
Looks that way.

BERTRAND
Are you familiar, Heinz, with the etymology of the term ‘zookeeper’?

HEINZ
I’m not.

BERTRAND
Just seems taunting. I mean, we don’t get to actually keep the zoo, in any meaningful sense.

There are terrified screams from the left.

HEINZ
I told them not to knock down those tiger enclosure walls.

BERTRAND
We’re merely pawns in the system. For instance, last week I had an excellent suggestion for remodeling the leopard exhibit to replicate the Hall of Mirrors at the court of Versailles. The result would’ve been a provocative commentary on how we mock the unenlightened menageries of Louis XIV while at the same time refracting and reflecting their fundamental nature.

HEINZ
That’s like my girl’s room.

BERTRAND
Yeah?

HEINZ
She’s got a Lion King bedspread.

MELANIE runs toward the guards. She looks frightened and harried, with her hair in disarray. A large claw-scratch on her arm is bleeding.

MELANIE
The tigers are mauling everyone at Yak’s Yogurt Yurt!

HEINZ
Tell us something we don’t know.

BERTRAND
These new administrators. They’re all about ‘interactive exhibits’.

HEINZ
Some animals are meant to be looked at.

MELANIE
They’re out of control. They’re attacking the women, scaring the kids, making a mess of all the yogurt toppings.

BERTRAND
It’s a sardonic commentary, isn’t it? Tigers don’t even like yogurt.

Heinz consults his directory.

HEINZ
“Yak’s Yogurt Yurt tempts your tastebuds with such toppings as blueberries, peanuts and crushed Butterfingers.”

BERTRAND
Crushed Butterfingers. Says it all, doesn’t it?

HECTOR, Melanie’s estranged husband, walks in from the right. He pulls out a handgun and speaks directly to Melanie.

HECTOR
Typical. My tortured heart is bursting while you enjoy a pleasant day at the zoo.

Hector shoots Melanie, who falls to the ground, dead.

HEINZ
Can I help you find an exhibit?

HECTOR
Where are the weasels?

[BLACKOUT]

Saliva Masters lovers should enjoy my e-book Space Command and the Planets of Doom, available for a wallet-stunning $0.99: http://amzn.to/atEZo9

May 4, 16,000 BC A paleolithic man finishes the first still life cave painting of an apple and a pear.

January 31, 1932 Gertrude Stein performs her one-woman show ‘Cranberries Are Go!’ for the first time.

June 3, 1884 Hakan Olagard finishes circumnavigating the globe in a vessel made entirely from mangoes.

April 10, 1958 Queen Elizabeth II performs the ‘Dance of the Sultry Pomegranate’ for Dwight Eisenhower.

February 12, 1839 President Martin van Buren nominates Johnny Appleseed to be the first Secretary of Fruit.

August 1, 1981 Pop band Durian Durian scores a worldwide hit with their single ‘Save a Pear’.

April 10, 1961 Harry Belafonte fails to get a follow-up hit upon releasing the Pink Lady Apple Boat Song.

July 7, 1907 Composer Gustav Mahler destroys all manuscript versions of his Orange Marmalade Variations.

August 10, 1964 Congress enacts civil rights law giving dwarf apples the same voting rights as ‘normal’ apples.

If you found this list useful, check the equally informative interplanetary information in Space Command and the Planets of Doom: http://amzn.to/atEZo9

Every year the President of the Tournament of Roses must carefully sift through dozens of suggestions to come up with the annual parade theme.    The decision is an agonizing one, since many thoughtful suggestions are submitted, and the choice of the parade theme will inspire the look and design of all the year’s floats.  Here are just a few of the enticing themes rejected for this year’s parade after long nights of soul-searching:

Those Amazing African Tribal Insurrections

Vital Organs: Our Inner Rainbow

Odes, Odes and More Odes!

Saw VI:  The Parade

Priests on Parade 

Caucus!

Food We Wouldn’t Eat

Dentistry Around the Globe

Locked Up Abroad: Pakistan

Just Some Old Time Ennui

A Salute to Conquistadors

A Day Without Flowers

Nebulae!

Saluting Our Undereducated

Festival of Pundits

Make It a Double!: Alcohol Through the Ages