Tag Archive: politics


And then    it was ten-fifty-seven

When her man stumbled through the door

Repeating the paper towel, recasting the ashtrays and counting all the daughters.

“Is it for the lack of a moon that you followed me

where the parked cars… Wait, is that the latest issue of American Male?”

 

But it was her lost moon,

the toothpaste on the cabinet and the

discount beer that splayed around.

 

He wasn’t the only prone guy she’d found,

Only the latest.  With a shirt to match his intelligence

And that old rabbit trick that no one enjoyed.

 

“Don’t brush that mustache.”  She threw her bottle on the floor.

“I like them Western.”

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One of the major issues will be the worrisome U.S. – China tweet imbalance.

Controversy erupts over candidate who runs on a Civil War denial platform.

A major U.S. party runs the first openly stupid presidential candidate.

Romney drops out when it’s leaked his first name is short for knitting circle alias Mittenmachine.

At the League of Homeless Voters debate, Ron Paul retrieves a stolen can of beans from a vagrant.

Voters baffled when third debate of the primary season is replaced by a séance.

The Mayan god Xiuhtecuhtli will win the New Mexico Primary, surprising all the pundits.

Teenage reaction to the campaign inspires the new hit Broadway musical ‘Romneymania!’

Candidate performances at major speeches will be judged by Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell.

Leaked documents show Leonardo DiCaprio was hired to implant idea in front runner’s dreams to drop out.

Larry King comes out of retirement to run on the Know Nothing Has Beens ticket.

Two words – Guacamole fight!

If you appreciated these informative predictions, check out my science fiction parody Space Command and the Planets of Doom: http://amzn.to/atEZo9

She arrived in a dented white SUV and parked on the weedy street leaving one door open. Her coat was slightly moth-eaten and her sallow face with its poster smile tried to look its best without going for a cigarette. We sat on the porch and near the empty pool and inside at the white tablecloth dining set and she bulked up slightly as she talked, her cheeks puffing out, her hair taking on new puffs.
She’d been a survivor, with her husband doing things in the pool halls and gentleman’s clubs and ordering sleazy burgers at all hours of the night in the long motels that lined the motorways. She’d made an escape out of smoking and spending hours doing the laundry when it didn’t need to be made and her mouth still made random smoke-sucking motions. I tried to organize my questions about liberation and the tourism industry and the incapacitating darkness that was overtaking certain areas of the state, but she deflected my questions with a series of non sequiturs and ellipse-broken phrases about the things she had done for the snack industry and the pest-removal sector.
I was embarrassed when she didn’t get the proper respect from my family. When my father looked through the hallway in his favored faded t-shirt and salmon robe, reminding me of my chores. Or my unimpressed mother who interrupted the governor with insistent questions about what she was doing to thicken newspapers and put meatier vegetables into the generic soup. My mother had a preoccupation with carrots and their proper percentages and the governor became sidetracked trying to address these issues of roots and circumferences.
We were outside for a time in the hot tub, the one that we’d bought in bulk, under the unadorned branches of the walnut tree. The governor now talking in an unstopping explanation, unprompted, defending her positions on gas station toiletries, shopping mall concrete, paragraphs separating the institutions from fat and salt, library directories of unsanitary stopping outlooks and the institutionalization of interspersed parks for reviewing trees. The security she’d brought stood outside the hot tub, sometimes shuffling and desiring a hot dog, running a hand over his thin, plastered hair and adjusting his cheap glasses.
Despite everything, she was still the governor. She’d arrived of her own volition and she was answering the questions in the style to which she was accustomed, ignoring, shellacking over my hesitant hints about her past. All of her attention was on the rig-crowded highways of the state’s condition, all of her body was devoted to the policies generated and messaged to her from roadhouses and fishing holes. She had her preferences for coating over everything with layers of pebbles and macadam until it all matched the resolutions, the drafts, the bylaws that had been negotiated.
Finally, when things were turning the color of umber and we’d run out of the glazed pastries, she walked off of the patio and, with her coat clutched around her, she found her way back to the vehicle, the security bloated in his white shirt, with a Styrofoam cup, holding the door open, his shoes speckled with mud. I hadn’t remembered all of the answers I wanted to get, but I had a photo of the governor on the porch, her hair looking thin, gazing away at a sign on the road. And I had some excerpts of quotes when she made some candid remarks about the bakery outlet and her thoughts on teachers who hadn’t been inspiring to her. I watched her drive away down the dirt road, mother in the background, with just about the exact amount of ruefulness that I’d expected.

Sarah Palin’s Inaugural Address

February 20, 2009

 

Hey, how are y’all doing out there?  I hope you’re doing just great.  And I am so excited to be here today, in front of this beautiful building and everything, that our founders started, and have the privilege to be the first woman President of the great country of the U.S. of A. that love so much.

But before we talk about me and all my plans for this amazing country and its TV and magazines, what about that great president, John McCain?  In the last 30 days, John did more than a lot of presidents do in eight years!  He got ‘er done.  Just look at the three exciting new wars John got started, invading evil countries that are out there, over the shores, out where people live, doing bad things to Americans and other people.  I mean, North Korea.  Pakistan.  Spain.  These are countries that we can’t trust.  And John didn’t!  He rallied the military.  He rolled out the mega-surge, Surge II, in Iraq!  And if one surge works, what’s better than another one?  Some said it couldn’t be done, but with gumption and leadership and signing up all convicted felons for military service, John put our country on a warpath we haven’t seen in years.

            And what about that drilling?  We drilled in Texas, Maine, the Alaska wildlife refuge, at Mount Rushmore and even in Area 51.  No one could hide oil from John McCain!  We’re drilling our way out of this ten-dollar a gallon gas, and we won’t stop there.  We’re adding more nuclear plants in Nevada, Amerca’s new nuclear headquarters!  There’s plenty of room. 

            I bet a lot of you are stunned by recent events.  I know that I am.  Excuse me.  Let me just take out this gum.  (Pause).  I told John he shoulda been more careful.  Showing strong leadership by parachuting into Pakistan . . . well that’s just going a little too far in my book.  But the soldiers loved it.  They cheered him on, even helped him jump out of the plane, bless their hearts.  But, Pakistan is an evil land filled with people in foreign robes bent ..ling parts of the world we know nothing about it.  You can’t let that happen.  You can all be proud your President took the lead on such a serious issue, even if it didn’t turn out all that great.

            And speaking about serious issues, a lot of you are asking, what will that Sarah Palin do about the housing crisis, now that she’s President?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  First of all, homes are important to everyone.  I want you to know that, like many of you, I also have a home.  It’s got some sofas I picked out very carefully and needlework and even a toaster oven.  And I don’t want some upstart financial officer telling me to leave my home just because I can’t pay the mortgage.  So I’m sending out coupons to everyone, for 20 percent off your mortgage next month.  And if you make two payments, we’ll throw in some extra sponges for free. So do that, and everybody is gonna be better off.  Send it right on in.

            Now one thing about a Palin administration, you know what you’re getting.  And one thing I can tell you no strangers are gonna come in here and tell us how to run things.  That’s why I’m nominating Todd, my darling husband, for the Supreme Court now that Justice Kennedy is stepping down.  Todd is gonna make a great Supreme Court justice.  Not only is he a down-to-earth dude, as the great people of Alaska will tell you, but he doesn’t stand for any of that legalistic nonsense that the court hands down left and right.  The American people have just about had enough of that.

            In closing, I want to put out the word right now and stop all that Internet chatter.  The rumors are true!  Not only does America have its first woman President, but I’m also the first pregnant President!  Yes, Todd and I are expecting another bundle of Palin Pride, that was conceived right around the time of the VP debate.  That was some celebration.  Now for those critics and Democrats out there who say, how can a person be pregnant and be a leader at the same time, I say, what about Queen Elizabeth or Joan of Arc? 

            Now I better stop, cause I can’t think of any more remarks.  But I ask for your prayers, even you people of faiths I don’t want anything to do with.  And finally, I do want you to give a big hand to my new nominee for Vice-President to be my replacement.  Let’s hear it for George W. Bush!